We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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