New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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