k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
