I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
