She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
