I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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