All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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