I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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