I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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