i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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