my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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