All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
