I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
