Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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