He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So much Jack, so little girl.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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