Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
