I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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