Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
