im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
