i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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