How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
