Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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