Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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