the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
