The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
