Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
