Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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