I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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