A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
