Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
