hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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