I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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