Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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