wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
