i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
