Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
