yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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