you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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