Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize