Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
