my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
