Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
