Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
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Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
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I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major