i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
