when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
