Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
There's always time for handjobs
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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