My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
