What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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