I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
