Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
