he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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