we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
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i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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