its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
