Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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