Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
